I deliberately live in a place surrounded by all kinds of other people. My town is a veritable melting pot of cultures and religions, from Catholic to Hindi, from Muslim to Jewish, as I am. In a country where two per cent of the population is Jewish, my area is a good ten per cent, maybe a little more. And because of this, the grocery store carries a fair selection of Passover foods in the spring, the school system gives off for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and people don't blink when you send them Bat Mitzvah invitations.
But in December, even in my corner of multicultural America, it all stops. I am the outsider, and I'm reminded every day until the New Year's Ball drops down on Times Square.
The frenzy can start as early as the beginning of November with what are you getting your family for Christmas. The commercials with Santa Claus commence, the references to the intense preparation begins. Malls are already sporting Christmas trees, decorations, and Christmas music. (I will not enter a mall, except under extreme duress, from Thanksgiving until the beginning of January.) By the day after Thanksgiving, I can no longer listen to my regular radio station, because they insist on playing Christmas music 24 hous a day. Nevermind that I have emailed them several times about this, expressing that there are non-Christmas-celebrators in their midst. They don't care, they say, because the majority of their audience likes 24 hour a day Christmas music. (By the way, some Christmas music is very pretty, and I enjoy listening to it. But a solid month or five weeks seems completely unnecessary.)
The schools, which are supposed to be religious-neutral, also get into the spirit. My daughter's high school puts up a Christmas tree, and there are Christmas decorations and Santa hats.
I have no problem with people celebrating their holiday. As a family, we like to drive around and look at the Christmas lights people put up while simultaneously trying to guess how much more their electric bill is for the month of December. We enjoy going to the movies on Christmas day with the rest of the Jews, and then deciding between the Kosher deli and the Chinese place for dinner. But around us is this faint feeling of....distance. I'm looking at the place I live through a different lens in December, a place where I don't fit in, nor is my desire to keep us a religiously neutral society valued. People don't want me to tell them theat I don't think Christmas symbols belong in their government buildings. They don't want me to remind them that Christmas is, in fact, not for everyone in America, and that some of us don't recognize it as the day Christ was born, simply because we don't acknowledge that Christ is God's son. Some of us aren't even so sure about the God part, frankly.
You may be reading this and shaking your head. But Christmas is fun, you might be saying! It's the happiest time of the year! (Actually, I beg to differ on that one. Most of my friends appear stressed and exhausted from all the work, but that's another post.) And yes, I do know plenty of people (including some Jews) who view Christmas not as a religious holiday at all, but as a celebration of fun and goodness, and an excuse to buy presents for the people they love. But that's not who I am, nor who my family is. To us, Christmas is a Christian holiday, meant to honor a religious event, an event we don't acknowledge. But because so many people celebrate it -- in fact, because our supposedly religious-neutral government celebrates it by giving it Federal Holiday status -- we must glide through December, trying to forget that this is our America, too, and that come January, everything will be reset. It will be the same place it is for eleven months of the year, where we can all embrace difference once again.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
When All of Your Kids are the Same Gender....
My husband is the fourth of four boys. His mother was always clear: he had been her last hope for a girl. After his birth, she was moved into a post partum room with a woman who had just given birth to her sixth daughter. They laughed about trading babies.
Later on, during the teen years, my mother-in-law said she felt glad she hadn't had girls. Her friends called her on a regular basis with stories of their daughters' mood swings, tears, and friend drama. With boys, the most my mother-in-law felt she had to contend with was a lot of laundry and huge grocery bills. But deep down, I think she was always sad she hadn't had a girl, and when she wound up with three female grandchildren out of five total, I like to believe that eased her disappointment a bit.
I have two daughters. I'd always wanted girls, had hoped beyond hope that I would have them. When I was pregnant with my second daughter, many people asked me if I was wishing for a boy -- wouldn't that be great, they'd said -- then I'd have the "perfect" family of one of each gender. Even my infertility specialist, who knew how long and hard we'd tried for a baby, remarked that she hoped "this time" I'd have a boy because "that would be perfect." But I wanted another girl, and when her gender was announced to me (we chose to wait until the birth) I was over the moon.
Many people don't feel this way, though. They want to experience both genders, still consider that "perfect" family one with one boy and one girl. I know many people who opted for a third child when they had two kids of the same sex, just to try for the opposite. In one case, I remember a woman who cried openly when she found out, via ultrasound, that her third child was the same gender as her other two. I know many couples who decide to find out the gender of their babies so they can get "used to the idea" before the baby is born, in case they are not the "right" sex.
I also know people who scratch their heads at the idea of couples with a boy and a girl who choose to have another child. "Why would you do that?" they ask. "When you already have one of each?" "Was it an accident?" some have the gall to wonder.
What about you? Do you think a boy and a girl is the perfect family? If you had all of one gender, did that bother you, even secretly? Or did you truly not care "what kind" you had?
Later on, during the teen years, my mother-in-law said she felt glad she hadn't had girls. Her friends called her on a regular basis with stories of their daughters' mood swings, tears, and friend drama. With boys, the most my mother-in-law felt she had to contend with was a lot of laundry and huge grocery bills. But deep down, I think she was always sad she hadn't had a girl, and when she wound up with three female grandchildren out of five total, I like to believe that eased her disappointment a bit.
I have two daughters. I'd always wanted girls, had hoped beyond hope that I would have them. When I was pregnant with my second daughter, many people asked me if I was wishing for a boy -- wouldn't that be great, they'd said -- then I'd have the "perfect" family of one of each gender. Even my infertility specialist, who knew how long and hard we'd tried for a baby, remarked that she hoped "this time" I'd have a boy because "that would be perfect." But I wanted another girl, and when her gender was announced to me (we chose to wait until the birth) I was over the moon.
Many people don't feel this way, though. They want to experience both genders, still consider that "perfect" family one with one boy and one girl. I know many people who opted for a third child when they had two kids of the same sex, just to try for the opposite. In one case, I remember a woman who cried openly when she found out, via ultrasound, that her third child was the same gender as her other two. I know many couples who decide to find out the gender of their babies so they can get "used to the idea" before the baby is born, in case they are not the "right" sex.
I also know people who scratch their heads at the idea of couples with a boy and a girl who choose to have another child. "Why would you do that?" they ask. "When you already have one of each?" "Was it an accident?" some have the gall to wonder.
What about you? Do you think a boy and a girl is the perfect family? If you had all of one gender, did that bother you, even secretly? Or did you truly not care "what kind" you had?
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