Teaching Our Kids to Advocate for Themselves

One of the biggest lessons I hope my kids have learned from me over the years is how to advocate for themselves. This was not something I learned to do as a child -- as a  product of the 70s/80s, my role was to learn to be submissive and silent in classrooms and workplace a like, and over the years, I was sexually harassed, treated unfairly, and paid less than others. I believe much of this could have been avoided if I'd been taught from the beginning to advocate for myself appropriately.

Today I witnessed my sixteen year old doing just that. I won't go into what happened, but I was present as she made a case for herself, presented evidence, relied on notes she had written when she was not in the heat of the moment, looked people in the eye, used humor to diffuse tension, and politely but firmly made her boundaries known.  It was one of the best moments I've had as a parent.

It did not go perfectly smoothly. And the situation is not likely be be remedied exactly as she might like.  But she learned valuable skills -- how can I argue for myself without pushing inappropriate boundaries? How can I persuade someone that what I'm experiencing is true and accurate? What evidence will I need to make my position clear?  But more importantly, she learned: I do matter. What I feel and experience matters.  I am not just making up what happened to me.  And, crucially, even if this does not lead to satisfaction for me, it may for other people.

In sharing my excitement over this morning, a friend expressed concern of what would happen to my daughter because she had spoken up.  I think this is where, sometimes, we get it wrong. We can't always worry about what will happen. Yes, we should take precautions against retribution -- especially physical or mental harm -- but we need to teach our kids that it's okay to stand up against injustice. Yes, sometimes life isn't fair, and we need to accept that, and then sometimes, we need to check in with ourselves, and ask, can I really afford to be silent?  And if the answer is no, then we should not be.